Why most women wouldn't marry their husbands again
Susan Shapiro Barash on the The Nine Phases of Marriage.
- Duration 9:15
- Date Sep 7, 2012
Susan Shapiro Barash on the The Nine Phases of Marriage.
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That the passion of true love -- marriage sometimes gives way to a disappointment and then sometimes divorce.
But some other Susan Shapiro Barrett says the 70% of -- she interviewed.
She says some members of what she interviewed.
Said that they would not marry their husbands if they had to do it over again so what's happening and those findings are part of Susan's new book the nine phases of marriage how to make it.
Break it keep it.
And she joins me how to explain welcome thank you.
But why write this book is -- because the divorce rate is so high because.
-- we just don't understand -- why.
But the divorce rate is down -- -- -- its highest ever -- in the early eighties but -- really reflection when women -- in the workplace for good.
810 years and started to -- other men.
Started during her money yes -- little -- defendants to ever spoke because my spoke with about mothers and daughters and for one entire chapter.
I spoke with mothers about what kind of models they Wear for their daughters in terms of their loved life and him and virtually every mother wanted her -- To be married even if she herself with divorced and half an hour -- widowed and happily now it.
And I really wanted to look at women of all different each is social strata -- across the country different race and ethnicity.
Hear what it is about their marriages.
Why it starts with such a high note.
And why so often around -- -- for five minute by the study it gets the thick -- What are the phases because -- -- -- very interest and having everybody kind of agrees with the first phase which is phase one which is passion and longing.
Face to conforming the perfect wife face between real life -- -- city.
Space for attention one bed to dream space five distanced who danced food creams.
-- -- six.
Is fracturing mid life.
-- -- -- -- -- -- Seven.
Renegotiate our marriages that -- eight balance concessions and -- nine successful coupling now it's possible that.
That all total Americas can make it through -- -- right they can kind of not decide on marriage I'm not divorce.
Not every -- -- But it.
-- -- not really have so much opportunity in our country today they can now on money.
Speaking had babies on their own there's so many decisions that really weren't there is embedded changed especially in the last twenty or thirty years.
So if you decide to not stay in your marriage or to take a very.
-- approach to renegotiating it seems really with a sense of power in a sense of entitlement and I think that's very different than in the past so happens after a phase one of his passion and longing and how does.
How do you look at that how do you do -- that.
So that perhaps some of these later it issues don't collapse of the divorce hasn't happened.
Well we're just very complicated today and there have been very slick fast paced society and women have lots of desires and needs and if we look at marriage that the piece of the pie their children which as you know where highly invests in and in our culture there's a lot of helicopter parenting and we have careers.
Women have friendships in ways they didn't before -- difference really are so important.
And in a lot of women hit forty or fifty and they have not only children getting older.
And still demanding you know emerging adulthood lasts for a long time but then there's the sandwich generation.
And if parents are alive and have -- still we have so much going time.
On top of it from the beginning of our marriage it.
Because their culture tells us we expect so much from our house and we -- the bar so high now that the -- face to becoming the perfect wife.
That's really a big part of it and curiously enough in my study I found that when I spoke with young women and the millennial.
If there than most interested in conforming even know.
And I think temperature can't say this just before I cannot they're more women in college and graduate schools than ever before and more than men and I -- earned his degrees.
But it's like a backlash to the future and are looking at their grandmothers and those fifty -- and saying Hank.
My mother got divorced my mother hit the glass ceiling I want I'm very happy marriage.
And -- also legal issues that face three of this is the one where.
You know -- -- to start hitting the scads of these and of the reality of what marriages well -- still these are marriages that are so often children.
Are part of it -- And that can really -- some tension.
Because either you and your husband are signed on at the same kind of parenting or your parenting styles are so just spread.
And that causes the whole new unexpected.
-- issue I would not prepared well for marriage or is it that.
Marriage is reveals in us as individuals something that we just didn't know before the south.
We are -- By our society.
That marriage is the highest form of commitment in terms of love and around the only society but -- but but.
Religions basically say the same of course yes and also to have chipped it to have a child could have children and me and to have an intact family.
But really based on that belief and then Gary taffeta skirt on and on him we watch celebrities being married eight boards they have children -- don't divorce and so we're very influenced but it's -- in -- mommy and me -- and sure desire to really have a partner.
Satisfied he was really in any long but that's I think that's -- key though because here we've got this idea that it.
Some personable satisfy me is that becomes the issue that if that person who was also faulted -- pollen and and and houses on little portable -- he's not going to be able to give you all the time what you probably need we have it's I'm really.
PS and continue -- this year and next.
At different faces money soft and an issue I interviewed when he said that -- really changed in him in terms of being awake during the downturn.
Yeah because they you know some we all know that more wind and managed well and got hot rehired and men.
And -- really changed he is the -- that that marriage weren't.
Children are always a factor in -- marriage.
On how you spend time together.
To have the same -- and then I got into the later phases for women had succeeded.
What I was hearing once that there were there were you know parts of the match that upset them in terms of retirement.
And how you know how would you live where would you -- A commitment to grandchildren that perhaps the white -- -- -- wanted to stay close to her children and husband want to -- to Arizona from New York.
See you keep hearing ways that you're trying to -- as one.
When -- really two separate individual.
Sounds like though that marriages and needs constant attention and -- -- as you get -- these -- that you really needs constant kind of work.
And a commitment.
And constant communication.
So many times that women like think that they are no longer really expressing themselves.
And actually contained -- to attend the summit of the findings that you found the 70% of wives.
But you interviewed said they wouldn't would not there at about 60% they would not -- why is that we -- If it's a nightmare.
And I think that that happened particularly for the women -- -- in a marriage for ten or fifteen years -- longer because -- -- And -- out in ways that we don't expect it when he sees something in our south and in -- me.
That we couldn't have been to Japan and I think that's what happened -- the women were really looking at him and seeing something hadn't seen before in him and her partner and her husband.
And also something in and sounds good and then that night and then -- Is it that.
We want them the wet and we want you know sort of the celebration and that's what draws us to a marriage rather than understanding -- the marriages.
Well weddings are very romanticized and really took a good look at it you know answered it in -- for a day and then.
Following -- I would sure love for weddings and -- yes but that's I would middle of the ocean -- -- yeah well look there's nothing more intriguing that fairy tale aspect.
But real light hits -- hard.
And -- have a lot of balls from there at all different cases.
And you know the question is this partner really doing the right thing for me.
Becomes a really salient question and of course I am from an -- because I.
Spoke with widows and divorced when -- married women as well.
And for many of the women who are now over their first match in a second marriage there they're really thinking of what they won in a more mature way.
-- go online they can have chocolate.
They really have a way to seek it well what the book is called Monday's nine phases of marriage how to make it break it keep it.
Susan Shapiro -- thank you very much of Irving with a super fast -- and it's actually well we're very well written thank you race against time.